We've now had 4 visits...an initial visit with both of us, individual visits, and another visit with both of us. At every point along the way, I've been impressed by the concrete, goal-driven, and insightful guidance we've gotten. There have been questionaires that gave us great insight into the things that make us tick and about our assumptions. At each visit we've had homework. It's been specific and tangible, and we discuss it at the subsequent visit. We have to schedule time for homework and for the travel time to the appointments, which isn't easy to do. Then again, nothing of value is easy to do.
After 4 visits, I now know that a lot of the information I had about my sexual relationship with my husband was wrong. Despite being given a dozen reasons over the years why we weren't connecting, the real reason was a failure to be honest about what was going on. It wasn't that he had no desire for me...or that other issues got in the way...or there were physical concerns. It was that he didn't know how to communicate the things that drove his desire, and was embarrassed by them.
All the damage to my self esteem...all the heartache...all the distance and fighting...was based on interpretation of faulty information.
At first I was so relieved to know that everything I knew to be true wasn't true at all.
But now I'm starting to get angry again. I've been lied to. Misled. Perhaps not intentionally, but consistently and repeatedly told things that weren't the truth. It me caused great personal devastation, thousands of tears, and many years of misery.
I don't know how to deal with this anger when it's co-mingled with relief and hope and love and understanding. Am I just supposed to let it go, suck it up, and move forward like it never happened?
After all of these lies and so many others, can I ever really trust him again?
Do I dare?
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