Life on Jupiter

The last session was probably the most revealing hour I've ever spent.  

At the beginning, I simply kept my mouth shut and let him explain why he didn't do what he said he would do...agreed to do, even when challenged...promised he would do.  It rang hollow, and not just for me.  There was simply no valid reason for it, and there were no attempt to discuss any changes in expectations with me during that time period.  

He simply changed the rules again.

He thought it was okay to do that.

It wasn't.

I said little, but stated once again that this is a pattern:  when it comes to me, he breaks his promises, or half-asses whatever he agreed to.  I'm Charlie Brown to his Lucy with the football, believing him every time that this time is different.  

What really is different now is the increasing use of gaslighting. He now denies things he's said or done, or refers to conversations that never happened.  I'd believe I was losing my mind if I haven't already been through this before in my life with someone far more skilled than he at spinning the truth.

Here is the real truth:  He isn't trustworthy with me, in stark contrast to every other area of his life.  At work, he is the golden child...the rainmaker...who delivers far about everyone's expectations.  In competitions, he consistently pushes himself to improve on his already top percentile performances. And at school, he's a 4.0 GPA Dean's List student.

So who is that guy in our marriage who can't be counted on to do even the smallest things he himself agrees are reasonable?

A really good question, isn't it?  And one the therapist asked as well.  His response says it all:

"I don't recognize that person you're talking about."

...and then, somewhere deep inside me, something broke into a million pieces.

The bottom line

It's now several weeks later.  Much has happened, and much is still the same.

We did return to therapy...and as predicted, he was not prepared with the list assignment given in the previous session in December.  I believe I made myself clear when I said I was done with the foot-dragging, obstruction, and lies.  The next week he did show up prepared.

We started working from those lists, first with how we hurt each other.  All my items in that list formed a theme:  his behaviors prevent me from getting what I want and need.  His item was that I didn't prioritize him.

I've come to understand that he is refusing to deal with conflict, and punishing me instead in many different ways.  Breaking promises.  Half-assing things I need him to do.  Doing things I want, but making sure I never get exactly what I want.  Disappearing emotionally and physically into drunken oblivion.  Withholding sex, and/or making sure that I am not satisfied.

It's all the same thing:  he ensures that I NEVER, EVER, get what I want.

That's NOT okay.  My expectations are entirely reasonable.  

I swear by all that I hold dear that I will never again allow it to happen.
  
I will not be punished for his inability to deal with his own emotions. 
I will not be punished for having reasonable needs and expectations.  
I will not accept or work around his obstructive behavior.
I will not bear the consequences of his behavior.
I will not be denied the things I need.
I will not keep his secrets and live his lies.
I will not waste another minute of my life waiting for him to change.

From now on, it's about me.

I will get what I deserve.

Ninety nine dollars

...and I still got none.

Ninety nine dollars.  That's the amount of the reimbursement check from our health insurance company for therapist #3.  That's about all it was worth.

In other news, I asked if we were done trying to change things in our marriage.  This eventually led to him scheduling another appointment with therapist #4 for March 9th.  I really wonder why he did that.  It's not as if he's following through with anything we started.  As for me, I'll be prepared with my assignments completed. 

I have no expectation that anything will ever be different.

Talk is cheap and lies are expensive

Incredibly, no progress has been made since my last entry nearly two months ago.  He cancelled the last appointment, and has not rescheduled it. 

All the progress we made has now been lost.  There is never any mention of the homework we have.  There's no physical intimacy...nothing beyond platonic affection.  He'll make comments occasionally, but the words without actions are meaningless.

And the drinking is back.  He keeps changing the rules about when and how he can drink.  There's really no point in knowing what his rules are.  They are useless lies he tells himself to justify doing whatever he wants.

In the meantime, I've taken my life back.  I'm pursuing my own self interests now.  I've given up enabling his. 

Unless there is a radical change that prompts him to become accountable for himself in our relationship, he has blown his last chance.

I'm done.