In the last session we took the first step in discussing the anger I have. It went pretty much as I predicted it would. As soon as the issue is brought up, he emotionally disconnects and only deals with it on an intellectual level. When pressed, he was able to acknowledge that he did hurt me many times and that it was never his intention.
I sat there looking at his face and waited for it.
So did the therapist. She prompted him...an acknowledgement is only the first step.
...crickets...
So she turned to me and asked what I needed to hear. I told her that he has never apologized for anything...and I needed to hear that he is sorry for hurting me.
There was more acknowledgement of hurting me, and a declaration that of course he was sorry about it. But he still did not say the words until prompted again.
"I'm sorry for hurting you."
It was good to finally hear it, but it did not make it all better. It's easy to give a blanket apology when you don't have to be confronted with the actual behavior you're apologizing for. I can't just let it all go and pretend everything is fine now. And I refuse to build on a foundation of shit.
It's about to get ugly.
In addition to our usual intimacy homework, our homework is to each write three lists: a list of the ways he hurt me, a list of the ways I hurt him, and a list of the ways we hurt ourself.
Even starting to think about that first list is overwhelming. Opening that box of pain a tiny bit was enough to ruin the rest of the weekend, give me nightmares, and make me want to flee. There's so much stuff in there to deal with, and it all feels awful.
It's impossible to work on intimacy and confront pain at the same time. So our agreement with each other is to wait until after this weekend to work on those lists. Until then, the pain gets locked away again. After 10 years, one more week won't matter.
